Friends First?

I don't know what it is, but lately I've been thinking, reading, and talking a lot about relationships and no matter what, I keep running into one aspect of it: friendship.  I started really thinking of the importance of friendship in a relationship or more importantly, before a relationship.  Often times, you meet someone and if you're attracted to them, in any form, you go on a date.  Thus begins the courtship that possibly leads to seriously dating, a committed relationship, and maybe even marriage.  In the midst of the whirlwind, you're oblivious to the fact that a true friendship wasn't established before everything else.  Now it's true, that if you've dated someone long enough or are married to them, a certain friendship does build because of your experiences together, but I don't think it's the same as one before everything happens.  The more and more I think about it, I'm starting to believe that one should establish a platonic friendship before going any further.  Now this may be a little difficult because when you care deeply for someone, you want to skip that part, but I think in the end it will be benefical.  

Friends and lovers are almost exactly the same to me with the exception of one thing: the physical and romantic end of it.  Think about it: you share experiences, pains, joys, successes, secrets, and so on with your friends.  With a lover, you share experiences, pains, joys, successes, secrets, and so on.  The main and obvious difference is that you don't share your body and romantic side with a friend like you do your lover.  If you miss this critical step of getting to know each other on a platonic level, then you may have nothing to go on if the sex were to stop...and sometimes it does or at least slows down. 

As important as sex is to a relationship, and it is (you know it's true, lol), at the end of the day, it's not as important as having a spiritual and emotional connection.  It's not as important as acutally enjoying the time spent with a certain someone.  As hot and heavy as it is in the beginning, you'd never think that it could slow down, but it does, even though you still really care about, love, or are attracted to that person.  Here is where the friendship come into play.  Can you still have fun without the sex?  Do you still want to spend time with them?  Are any of your favorite activities or things you like about the person unrelated to sex?  Do you enjoy conversing with them?  Those are the things that really matter and if you can answer yes to all those questions, then the sex is the very nice and tasty icing on the cake ;). 

If you have a good basis enveloped into the person you care about, then you'll enjoy a lot of things with them and will be able to things that don't surround sex.  As I think back to the people I've dated, I can see the pros and cons from both sides. I was friends with an ex before and a few people I dated I wasn't friends with before.  Being friends doesn't necessarily ensure a lasting relationship (obviously, he's an ex, lol), but I still think it's important and will definitely be making sure that I establish one prior to moving forward with anyone in the future.  Even if I end up dating someone I have already dated (don't act like I'm the only one who can't get over him, lol), I think having a friendship and really re-learning someone will be beneficial no matter what.  I've also experienced getting a really good connection with someone I wasn't friends first with.  When I think of him, the first things that come to mind are our movies nights, the way he was so goofy around me and made me laugh a lot, and his extreme intelligence because he always had something to teach me.  This is a testament that just because you aren't friends first doesn't mean that you can't become friends.

As I think back, weigh the pros and cons, and look back on past experiences, I think I'll choose to be friends first, at least for a little while.  Not only is it important for the reasons I've already mentioned, but if the two of you don't work out, depending on the amount of damage, after some time, you may be able to transition back into a friendship...that's if the two of you already had one.  It's so sad when someone you cared about or loved so much, can't be a part of your life anymore because you don't know how to be anything other than what you were...*sigh*.

Anyway, enough of my thoughts...what are yours?  Do you think it should be friends first or it doesn't matter? 



Until next time...Keep the forward movement...

Relapse...Bounce Back...

Relapse: to fall or slip back into a former state, or practice.  Think about that for a moment.  Most people equate relapses to drugs.  If you really take a look at the definition though, you'll realize that it applies to everything.  There are a few practices that I've invited into my life and a few that I've decided should leave the party.  For example, cursing.  Although, I don't curse that much, I'm doing my best to eliminate it from my vocabulary.  The one time that my rule goes out the window is when I'm upset, but I'm sure a lot of you let the fun 4-letter words slip when you're upset too, lol.  Well, a short while ago, something pushed me to the brink and those not so nice words were as fluid as a waterfall.  To make matters worse, I was frustrated with myself.  I felt that I let myself down because I was doing exactly what I didn't want to do, so that made me even more upset.  Before I knew it, days later, I was still throwing out a word here and there for comical use and ignoring it.  A few days later, I heard myself, and stopped immediately. There was absoultely no need to continue to curse for whatever the reason.  Right then I realized, I had relapsed on my desire to eliminate cursing.

Another thing that I've been doing and have shared with you is the changing of my mindset.  I'm not allowing my emotions to dictate my actions, for the most part anyway, lol.  I'm always actively choosing to see things in the positive, but every now and then, something happens that throws me off track.  In the last few weeks, I've gotten so much bad news from family and friends.  I'm one of those people who grieves and worries right along with you despite it not being my situation.  Needless to say, it was saddening and a little angering.  Before I knew it, there was leaving, the mindset that I consistently worked on day after day to achieve.  Once again, I relapsed. 

A few of my closer friends have gone through a lot in the past few weeks.  I'll get calls that put life into perspective every single time for me.  They'll tell me of all they did to keep a good outlook, but it didn't make a difference for that particular situation.  In their angst, in their feeling of frustration, they were on the path to momentarily giving the middle finger to everything.  I realized that they too...yup, you guessed it...relapsed.

In my work history, I've dealt with clients that had mental health issues coupled with subsance abuse issues.  Everytime I see them, at least one of them tells me how they were on the path of sobriety and one day, they just relapsed.  This may be no shock to anyone because that's a usual occurence for someone who's trying to quit drugs, alcohol, or any addiction they're battling.  No matter how bad or how long the relapse lasts, they always tell me how they're going to get back on the wagon and try again.  This got me thinking.

Whether you're battling drugs, weight, negativity, a chosen path, or anything else, you can always come back from your relapse.  Relapsing doesn't mean that you've failed.  It just means that you have another chance to try again and this time, more successfully.  See you been through it before, so now you know what to look for and what to avoid.  You can find coping mechanisms that will assist you in getting over that hump that knocked you down before.  For me, I now know to take a deep breath and think before I respond at all.  It gives me a chance to put things into perspective which almost always changes my response.  If you're going through anything, you can get through it and see it to the end.  I've heard that people say that relapse is a part of recovery.  When I hear that, it actually comforts me to know at some point, everyone doing anything that's worthwhile will indeed fall...it's about getting up after you've fallen.  It's about continuing to move.  You can be on the right path, but if you're not moving you'll never get anywhere.

To everyone reading this, know that your current relapse is preparing you to overcome the next possible one that comes your way.  The difference will be that you've been there and done that, so you won't relapse.  You'll jump right over it, move on, and succeed!

Until next time...keep the forward movement...

Stephanie's Spotlight: Artist B.o.B

Nothing on you, baby" (B.o.B ft. Bruno Mars)

"Beautiful girls all over the world, I could be chasing 

But my time would be wasted, they got nothing on you, baby 

I know by now a lot of you had heard these lyrics all the over the radio and everytime I hear it, I turn it up!  I love this song and I love this artist.  Who is he?  It's Bobby Ray Simmons better known as B.o.B.  He is a producer and artist that hails out of Atlanta, Georgia.  Not only does he rap and produce, but he sings, and plays the guitar.  Talk about being multi-talented!  He has a fresh sound and that is truly appreciated.  He is currently signed under the labels Grand Hustle and Atlantic Records.  His album release date has changed a few times, but for now it is due out on April 27, 2010.  He has had a few songs out in the past, but you'll most likely know him for his current hit "Nothin' On You."  I'm lovin' it and I definitely recommend that you take a listen!  Enjoy...

Until next time...keep the forward movement...

Instructions for Life

Earlier today, I was trying to book a flight out of the country.  I was almost done, but one of the last steps was to put in my passport number.  I'm usually a very organzied person, but for the life of me, I couldn't even begin to think of where I could've possibly put it for safe keep.  I hid it so well that even I couldn't find it!  Well, in the midst of the chaos I created in my search, I found this paper where I wrote down the instructions for life.  I can't remember who wrote this or even where I got it from, but each instruction is impactful and I wanted to share it with you.

Instructions for Life:

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

3. Follow the 3 R's: 1. Respect for self  2. Respect for others  3. Responsibility for all your actions.

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great relationship.

7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

8. Spend some time alone everyday.

9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.

10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

11. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation.  Don't bring up the past.

14. Share your knowledge.  It is a way to achieve immortality.

15. Be gentle with the earth.

16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.

17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

19. Live a good, honorable life.  Then, when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.

I'll leave you with some pictures of life quotes that I find interesting.  Enjoy...

Unitl next time...keep the forward movement...

My Thoughts: Our Family Wedding

Our Family Wedding stars America Ferrera, Lance Gross, Carlos Mencia, Regina King, and Forest Whitaker among some other familiar faces.  The movie is basically about a young couple where the man is black and the woman is mexican and they get engaged prior to telling their family or even having met each other's family.  The movie explores the racism that is still very much apparent in today's society amongst interracial couples, but of course they do it with a comedic twist.  The families, mainly the two fathers of the couple, don't get along and instigate each other with stereotypical jabs.  Throughout the film, the families imposed their ideal wedding ideas on the soon-to-be newly weds citing culture and tradition as big reasons to why everything had to be their way despite the couples' lack of enthusiasm.  Some elements that were incorporated in the movie that assist in depth was racism, the idea of friends becoming lovers, losing yourself in a marriage, and truly supporting your spouse no matter what.  Of course, the movie ended with everyone working through their issues and the couple happily married.

As I watched, I chuckled every now and then, but  began to obeserve the people sitting around me and started to get uncomfortable.  For whatever reason, I started wondering how many people actually agreed with these stereotypes and felt the same way.  I grew up in such a multi-cultural atmosphere that to see an interracial couple was nothing awkward at all.  I have different races in my family and within my friendships and although I know everyone isn't as comfortable with that for one reason or another, it was a little disheartening to see that some couples have to fight so hard just to love.  They not only have to fight with the people who don't know them, but sometimes they have to fight the hardest with some of the most judgemental people...family.  Though it was a film, it was reflective of real life.

One of the scenes was the young man sitting with a group of men telling him how the woman and things will change after they get married.  Of course they only highlight the negative stating that he won't be able to do anything after he gets married.  Supposedly she won't trust him and call him all the time to make sure she knows where she is.  Though funny at the moment, the after taste was irritating.  This isn't the first time I've heard someone state how women change after marriage to deter a man from getting married until he has absolutely nothing better left to do.  I think it's so unfair.  Men AND women change.  People change together and please believe that while a wife is changing, so is her husband.  It just seems so negative and sheds an unappetizing view on marriage and for those of us who do eventually want to get married (ME), it doesn't make marriage look worthwhile.

Another theme in the movie was pleasing everyone in your family and foregoing the plans that you want for yourself and giving in to your family's desires in order to please everyone.  In the movie, the couple wants to keep it simple, but they have to adopt the saying "our marriage, their wedding."  I hope that this isn't the case in real life.  I understand that family members have requests but to have to give up on everything you truly want seems unfair.  I planned my sister's wedding and although both sides of the family had requests, they respected the choices of my sister and her fiance.

The final theme that I'm going to share with you and what I deem to be one of the more important ones is the theme of who you become in a marriage and the possibility of losing yourself.  That was one of the issues between the parents of the bride in the film.  The mother felt as if she wasn't important to her husband anymore and the daughters felt as if their mother gave up her life and wasn't happy.  I'm not married, so I can't speak on what truly happens, but I know what I think and this I will share.  I know that 2 become 1 and a couple has to be one accord, but realistically, there are still 2 individuals.  People make it seem that a lot of times, one spouse, usually the woman, gives up on her desires and becomes what her kids and husband need, while pretty much giving up on herself and her dreams.  From the outside looking in, marriage is supposed to be a compromise.  I personally hope and pray that I marry someone who could support and be as excited for my endeavors as I am for theirs.  As a woman I know it's natural for us to push ourselves aside and devote ourselves to the cause no matter what it may be, but after awhile, you recognize the loss of yourself.  If you don't have someone who understands that, you can grow to resent them.  This is for men equally if you find yourself in that role.  All in all, a good marriage, the way I see it, is comprised of two individuals  walking in the same direction.  They may see different things along the way, but it doesn't change that they want to go to the same place...together.

I recommend seeing this movie.  Despite all my thoughts on it, it was still worth seeing.  It definitely opened my mind and I'm sure it will foster an open dialogue for  your engagements with family, friends, and lovers. 

Until next time...keep the forward movement...

In Loving Memory...

A few hours ago, I received a call that changed the course of my day.  My best friend's father passed away.  My heart almost exploded out of my chest when I heard that.  I had literally spoken to her five minutes before and told her that I'd call her back when I got home and settled.  I went on with what I was doing and continued to plan my day and weekend.  Within minutes, nothing was of importance.  Everything was moving slowly and I was unable to talk and cried uncontrollably.  I cried for her father, her family, and myself.  I had become part of the family, and my heart cried out.  For weeks I'd been praying and keeping a positive mindset in order not to let defeat rule my thoughts, words, or actions.

Although I'm sitting here with this enormous headache from the tears, I felt the need to express myself anyway.  I can't stress enough how you really never know when your time is up.  You never know when you'll say good-bye to someone and it may be the last time you ever see them.  Read this and embed it in your soul: DON'T LET DEATH BE YOUR REMINDER OF HOW PRECIOUS LIFE IS!  I can't stress this enough.  I'm practically screaming it.  It's so easy to say that and continue on with your foolish ways and silly arguments, especially when it's not your personal situation, but please get into the habit of living your life remembering this.  Sure things happen everyday and you can be upset, sad, or frustrated, but make a point to live life to the fullest and to appreciate the people in your life.  Even more importantly, let them know.  Find a way to express it every now and then.

Before I go, I also want to advise you to utilize your current moment.  Utilize your "now" because that's all you know you have.  If you can, call that person NOW.  If you can, express yourself NOW.  You just never know and you can't take the chance of waiting until tomorrow.  Sometimes, you don't want to rush things, like a relationship or sharing your feelings for instance.  You want to make sure you're ready or you may be scared and are waiting, but how do you know that the person will be there when you are?  How do you know something won't happen to you before you can?  I've been guilty of waiting until "later" or "tomorrow" for many things and never get the chance and that's the worst feeling ever.  You can never get back the time that has already elapsed.

As you read this, I hope that you get the urge to live your life to the fullest and appreciate it.  Take advantage of every moment, experience, and person that's blessed to be in your life.  Love and live....

R.I.P Papa Mike

Until next time...keep the forward movement...

Doing what's right is not always popular: Congrats to Oscar Winner Monique!

Congratulations to Oscar winner Monique!  I am so elated for her!  She has now joined the ranks of Hollywood's elite A-list actors and actresses.  On a more personal note, she has also joined the very few black actors and actresses that have been given this prestigious award.  It was so good to see her hard work pay off and see that passion and talent overrides seniority and politics.  One thing that she said during her speech stuck out to me and to a lot of you I'm sure.  She thanked her husband for supporting her and said "thank you for showing me that sometimes you have to forgo doing what’s popular in order to do what’s right."  For it to be her first oscar nomination and win, her speech and poise was reflective of a veteran.  Take a look for yourself:



That was beautiful!  On a sadder note though, everyone will not always be happy for you.  Take a look at the "supportive" (insert sarcasm here) Samuel Jackson right after her speech: 



Whatever his reasoning for that "look", it was everything but tasteful.  Just another reminder that everyone will not always be happy for you, but that should not and won't stop you from fulfilling the things that have already been written as a part of your destiny!

Until next time...keep the forward movement...

What you do doesn't define you....

I don't know what made me think of this, but my mind just randomly drifted to when I was 8 years old and I was talking to my mom.  I remember us being in the kitchen and she asking me to help her cook and I said "I don't want to mom."  She responded saying "you need to know how to cook so that you can cook for your husband when you get older and get married."  I went on to tell her how I'm not going to cook when I get married and my husband better deal with it because I won't be his slave.  When I think about that, I laugh and see how far I've come because I'm a grown woman now and don't feel that way at all.  A year later, at 9 years old, I suprised my family with dinner and have been cooking ever since.  I look forward to cooking for my husband one day too.  As I got older, I realized that cooking for my husband and family won't make me their slave, it would make me a wife and mother.  Even though I've grown up and see things differently, I've run into a lot of women that don't.  Some still object to it because they feel that if they do, that's all they'll ever do or be.

Thinking of that made me think of another thing that I and so many other people have a problem with in their lives.  As you get older, you find the need to define yourself and who you are.  One of the easiest ways to do this is to say what you do.  Even if it's only one small aspect, a job usually becomes your description and it weighs more than it should at times.  Now if you love what you're doing, this might be okay for you, but for a lot of people, depending on where they are in their lives, this may not be what they want to be known for.  

Not too long ago, whenever someone asked me what I did, I mumbled it and was so annoyed because it's not what I want.  It's not my passion, but it's my current reality.  I let that consume and frustrate me.  I know a lot of people who do the same.  I don't know when it happened but one day something clicked and I started thinking of it in another way.

The thing that I realized that eased my mind is that what you do DOESN'T define you. What you do is NOT who are you.  YOU are who you are.  Your passions, your talents, your desires, your ambition, and your ACTIONS define who you are.  These are the things that are and will continue to build your future....the very future that you'll be humbled with gratitude to have define you.

If you've noticed, successful people do a plethora of things, so don't feel like if you're doing one thing, you can't do something else equally as well if not more.  I used to think that I had to find one thing that interests me and run with it.  I'd find my thing and that's who I'd be, but I started finding that I was very interested in a quite a few things.  I'm taking it step by step, will eventually do all that I love and as much as I will love all I do, no one thing will ever fully describe me....or you.  We are complex creatures. 

As I write this, I feel encouraged and hope you feel that way as well.  Remember who you are and focus on the things and life you're going to obtain.  Don't allow your current reality to project your future.  Remember it's not what you do...it's who you truly are. 


To help you ecsape reality, (we all need to sometimes, lol), I'll give you a suggestion.  For over 2 months, I've been taking between 15-30 minutes before I go to sleep to lay down in silence or with music and visualize where I want to be and the goals I'm going to accomplish.  Immerse yourself into what you are thinking and be sure to allow yourself to feel, smile, laugh, cry and truly enjoy your thoughts.  The more you embrace it, the more real it will feel, and in turn fuel your energy toward obtaining those things.  Take a look at the video below, listen while you visualize, and enjoy....




Until next time...keep the forward movement...