Fearless Tips- Have it all (in love) without losing yourself!!!

With “Think Like A Man” being a number one box office hit, it has many people talking.  The phenomenon began with Steve Harvey’s book and have taken the world by storm once again with it’s recent film release.  After reading the book, many women took every word to heart and coincidentally, the film highlighted some of that behavior.  In the end, the movie showed that being true to yourself and your desires is what counts---not playing games.  Here’s a few tips on how to have it all without losing yourself.

Friends First- People really underestimate the importance of a friendship in a relationship.   It’s unfortunate that many find that though they may love their significant other, they really don’t like them.  Ouch!  Without all the romantic intricacies involved, you should still be able to enjoy him just the same.  Good communication, understanding, and genuine caring is lasting.  When getting to know a new possible Mr. Right, take it slow and build on a friendship.  

Ask Questions...Don’t Investigate- Let’s be real ladies, sometimes our desire to find out if we should invest our time or not comes off a bit, eh...scary.  Yes, there are important questions that need to be asked, but you will find that your approach can determine the answer.  Rather than make a man feel like he’s on trial, initiate a smooth conversation about life in general.  Set the tone for comfortability without judgement and you will find that he will not only answer some general questions, but will provide you with answers to questions you didn’t even ask!

To Thine Own Self Be True- You know who you are at your core.  You know what you desire, what you’re willing to be flexible with, and what’s on your “non-negotiable” list.  Don’t change it!  There’s compromise and then there’s losing yourself hoping to get a man---NOT a good idea!  Never dismiss your values, beliefs, and what’s truly important.  The right man, who is worth it and who recognizes your worth, will be willing to do what it takes to gain your trust and love when the time is right!  

Until next time....keep the forward movement....

It's Better to Give than Receive (article previously written for Fearless Magazine)

No matter how well you know someone, when the time comes to give him/her a gift, you’re usually left stumped. Take a look at some winning gifts for your love.

Gifts for her

1. Jewelry- when has a woman ever been upset over getting jewels? It’s a sure fire way to get the smiles and squeals of approval. Tip: Get something that can be personalized like a charm bracelet. Add charms that describe her and are reminiscent of the things she loves. No other gift will compare!

2. Make over- women are all about change; changing their clothes, their hair, and always their minds. A treat to the salon and having her make-up done will never go wrong because women love to be pampered. The way a woman look also affects the way she feels. Give her the gift of becoming even more beautiful, and she won’t be able to say enough thank-you’s!
 3. Shop till you drop- a gift card to her favorite store will definitely make her happy! What woman do you know that doesn’t like to shop? Be the reason that she gets to participate in one of her favorite activities!

Gifts for him


1. Electronics- men never get tired of electronics. They are forever fascinated with the latest technological release. Do a little digging and find out what he wants the most. Have the gift set up for him (if needed) and let him walk in on his surprise!


2. Plan a special night- the majority of the time, men do the planning when it comes to nights out. How about you give him the gift of being able to relax? You take charge and plan everything. He’ll enjoy the fact that he’s along for the ride!


3. Re-stock him- all the things that he needs, but doesn’t want to go buy...get them for him. They may be simple, but up the ante by getting nicer versions. He’ll be forever grateful!


Until next time...keep the forward movement.....

Keep the Loving Going (Article written for Fearless Magazine)

Whether some want to admit it or not, a lot of people show the most of their feelings on one designated day a year.  Yes, you may love the person everyday, but that day is the selected day that everyone goes overboard for.  In order to ensure that your lover knows you love them throughout the year, you must do things to show them.  Here are some tips on how to keep the loving going all year round.

Schedule a day- it’s easy to get caught up in your everyday responsibilities and ask yourself “where did the day go?”  You end up neglecting yourself and your lover.  A great thing to do is schedule a day/night.  That will show that you think the person is important enough to specifically take time out to make sure that you continue to show love throughout the year.

Words, compliments, thank you’s- words are powerful.  They can propel your day or compel your day.   A simple nice word, compliment, or “thank you,” can remind your lover of your appreciation for them.  Your words, appreciation, and compliments, will never, ever get old.  

Your wish is my command- Tending to your partner is another way to express love to your man/woman.  It’s a silent way because you’re doing things that, in a way, take care of them, but isn’t something major or always obvious.  Sometimes, it’s the little things that add up to something great.  

Now go forth and LOVE!

Until next time...keep the forward movement....

1+1=1 True Love...

Everyone needs love.  We were never meant to live this life alone. From the initial hug of a mother to her new-born, to the hugs of your BFF and middle school crush, to the hugs of your lover, we travel through life desiring and NEEDING the ultimate love of someone who can tug at and play your heart strings like no other.  Throughout your life you meet so many people and date quite a few.  Though you may have a good time with many and a connection with more than one, there's always that "one and only" that blinds you to any other soul on the planet.  I often wonder how it is that you know when you've found them.  

Beyonce has a new song out called 1+1 (Make Love to Me) and it's one of the most beautiful songs out right now.  As I sit and listen to it, each note belts out a piece that creates the perfect relationship.  She sings of how important having that one person is and you can't help but think of how true that is.  When you've found the one you love, you feel invincible.  You feel like no matter what happens, everything will still be okay.  That person is truly someone that you could never let go...mentally, emotionally, or physically.  You see...love isn't a light switch (wink), so you can't shut it on or off.  In the face of true love: anger can't eliminate it, sadness can't dismiss it, jealousy can't fight it, and fear can't  push it away.  It's there to stay.  You can't run from it because it will always catch you...and that's because it's never truly left you.  

I don't know what compelled me to write about love today because I initially had something else in mind, but everything has it's purpose so I'm sure someone will get the message.  The love you've been asking for, praying about, or searching for, may already be there...and if it's not, be prepared to receive it when it comes because it surely will....and when it does, envelope yourself in it.  I'll leave you with the lyrics and video to this beautiful song:

Beyonce- 1+1 (Make Love to Me)

If I aint got nothing, I got you
If I aint got something I don't give a damn, cause I got it with you
I don't know much about algebra, but I know one plus one equals two
And it's me and you, thats all we'll have when the world is thru
Cause baby we aint got nothing without love
Darling you got enough for the both of us
So come on baby, make love to me
When my days look low, pull me in close and don't let me go.
Make love to me. So that when the worlds at war, that our love heal us all
Right now baby make love to me...me...me...mee...mee. ooh ooh make love to me.
Hey! I don't know much about guns but I...I've been shot by you
Hey! And I don't know when I'm gon die, but I hope that I'm gon die by you
Hey! And I don't know much about fighting, but I, I know I will fight for you
Hey! Just when I ball up my fist I realize that I'm laying right next to you
Baby we aint nothing but love, and darling you got enough for the both of us
Make love to me...when my days look low, pull me in close and don't let me go.
Make love to me...so that when the worlds at war, that our love heal us all
Help me let down my guard, make love to me…me..me….me..meee ooh ooh ooh make love to me...me...me...mee...mee.

Until next time...keep the forward movement....

Could Your Ex...Be Your nEXt?

We’ve all had those relationships that ended physically, but not emotionally. What we thought was completely over, we find ourselves continuing to think about and realizing its everlasting presence. In some cases, we find that while we may have been “over it” when it ended, when that person or thoughts of them resurface, our feelings do as well. Does that mean that our feelings truly left or the relationship was premature in ending?

Lately, I’ve had many conversations with friends, family, and associates on this very topic. Some people are completely against revisiting a relationship stating that the reasons they ended may very well still be apparent and will ultimately be the demise of the future re-established relationship. Some others think that depending on the reasons the relationship ended, it may be a courtship that can be re-visited and be successful.

I used to work with a young woman who had just broken up with her fiancée. I was immediately intrigued the moment she threw it out there, but realized that it wasn’t my place to ask...so I didn’t. About a month later, the topic of relationships, specifically that one, came up again. She proceeded to tell me about her ex-fiancée and their relationship. They dated for years, their families got along very well, he treated her like a princess, and they were in love. He popped the question and she said yes. Perfect right?...wrong. The closer they got to the wedding, the more uneasy and anxious she became. Her love for him hadn’t gone away, but there was something that she just couldn’t place her finger on. Though she wasn’t exactly sure what it was, she was sure that it wasn’t supposed to feel that way, so she mustered up the courage to do what most people, women especially, would never have the gaul to do...she called off the engagement. Everyone was up in arms and she along with her fiancée, were understandably devastated. Despite how hard it was, she didn’t want to enter the sacred institution of marriage without a pure and genuine heart. Though difficult, she moved on and dated other people and allowed her ex-fiancée to do the same. She just had to make sure that the man she initially was going to pledge her life and love to, was the “right one” for her. I admired her for her strength and prayed that she would eventually find her way...and she did...right back into the arms of her ex-fiancée. Their time apart solidified their original path...which was to journey through the rest of their lives together. As I type this, I envision their engagement photos that I just viewed before writing this. They’ll be married in a few months. <3

Everyone knows the story of Carrie and Mr. Big. Just incase you’ve been living under a rock, I’ll catch you up with the story of these fictitious, but realistic Sex and City characters. Carrie and Mr. Big had an exhausting relationship that lasted years and years. Although it was far from perfect, they always kept finding their way back to each other. There was even a point when Mr. Big got married. Of course, as with anyone in real life, Carrie was devastated, but she moved on. She had wonderful relationships and even moved to Paris to be with the man she loved and thought she could spend her life with. By that time, Mr. Big had already divorced his wife and come to the realization that his one true love was Carrie. Through all that drama (and believe me there’s much more), they find their way back to each other and end up happily married.

You may be reading this thinking “I could never or would never go back to _____” and that’s fine. Every previous relationship isn’t meant to be revisited. In fact, the majority of them are not. If the issues that caused you break up are still current or if the relationship ended in such a manner that there’s no way to revive it, by all means, DON’T go back. However, everything in life has its perfect time to bloom and timing, along with who you were and who they were at the time may have been a major factor in why you didn’t work out. I wouldn’t necessarily write off the person and history (depending on what it was) just because it didn’t work out before. You truly never know what God has for you and it may be given to you in a manner you weren’t expecting, so you must be open. Who you were then, isn’t who you are now (hopefully) and who your ex was then, may not be who they are now (prayerfully). Always remember to keep your mind and heart open. Your love may come in that same recognizable package with even more inside to offer. Live. Laugh.  LOVE.

Enjoy "Rolling in the Deep" by Adele....





Until next time....keep the forward movement....

Asking for too Much?

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of speaking to a male friend about relationships.  Somehow the conversation turned to the oxymoron of the requests of many people in relationships nowadays.  I'll be honest: relationships are not this generation's strong suit.  We're in and out of them as often as we change our underwear.  A lot of relationships aren't having the lasting power that we'd like or that we thought it would.  I often think of older relationships that didn't need nor require all that we ask of it now...and a lot of them are still around.  Why is it that this generation needs so much to attempt to be successful in a relationship? 

I once heard Steve Harvey discussing a reason why he thinks relationships are more difficult now.  Back then, there was nowhere near as much access to people in the world as there is now.  As he said, the person in the house you could walk to was your forever, lol.  Nowadays, people can pretty much contact anyone they want anytime.  There's always that yearning of "maybe there's someone better out there for me."  With that mindset, whomever you choose to share your time with, at that moment, doesn't have a fair shot...and neither does that relationship.

Many people are caught up in the fiction that lies inside of television on both spectrums.  Whether you watch the class act that is The Jersey Shore or the lets-be-real, oh so romantic, Bachelor, people subconsciously are expecting those types of unions.  Those who arent mentally strong enough, will look for what they see ignoring, the fact that their favorite psuedo-relationship ends with a director yelling "cut!"  Things and people aren't always as they seem.

People need to put aside their hang-ups and put themselves on the table.  Being real, as much as it's celebrated, is a hard thing to do.  To become vulnerable with someone you care about, isn't an easy feat,  but it will have the best outcome.  That is what will truly benefit the man and woman involved.  A lot of the relationships now are missing the foundational things.  If someone looks good and they have X, Y, and Z, people believe that they are good to go.  The person that looks great on paper, however, may not be the one for you.  

My thoughts: the same way that you invest in things you love or believe in, invest in your relationship...and from the ground up.  Treat it like it your very own baby.  Love it, cherish it, nurture it.  The basics of getting to know someone and forming a relationship are still just as important as the gold stars that a person comes with. 

Live. Laugh. Love.

Until next time...keep the forward movement....

Rated: ADULT...The Big Ohhhhhhhh

Orgasm: the physical and emotional sensation experienced at the peak of sexual excitation, usually resulting from stimulation of the sexual organ and usually accompanied in the male by ejaculation. I find it so interesting that in the main definition it only includes what it looks like for men. True, you can see a man's ejaculation, but women orgasm too....or do we?

I saw an article on Essence.com about a young lady that faked her "finish" (You can view this article here) and it got me thinking about why a lot of women do that. Now, this is a topic that is consistantly on the tongues of women across the country and still, so many women are allowing men to believe that they're doing something they're not. My friends and I discuss it all the time and find that with maturity and comfort within yourself, your views and actions become better. Here are a few reasons why I believe women let this happen.

• Men are fragile....and although some of them may be offended by this, it's true. As strong as men are, deep down, they tend to be as sensitive if not more than women. I've heard alot of women say "he's great and it feels good, but I'm not getting all the way there." They're too afraid to tell the man that assuming that he will get angry.

• A lot of women have never had an orgasm , so they don't even know what they're looking for. How can you tell your man what to do, if you don't know and have specific ways to tell him? Men need concrete instructions and you need to be to be able to tell him without him having to guess. Take the time to learn what you want and love and teach him the way. I'm sure this will be the best learning experience he's ever had :).

• Many women are settling. Whether they want to admit or not, some women are content in their lack of orgasm and only consider the man's pleasure...and ladies...that simply isn't fair. Being intimate with someone is built for enjoyment from BOTH sides and it's the most amazing at the point when two people are satisfied.

Ladies, a man who cares about you, will care about pleasing you as well, sometimes, more than pleasing himself. If expressed with care and respect, he'll do whatever it takes to make sure that he takes you exactly where you need to be :).

What do you think? I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences. Have you've ever been in this situation? Ladies, sound off!


Until next time...keep the forward movement...

A "First Place Girl"

A good friend of mine sent a link to me last night and I didn't see it until this morning.  When I read this article, I couldn't helped but laugh, and not because it was funny, but because it was so true and I could completely identify with it.  I'm going to make this short and sweet....I'm going to try at least, lol.  Ladies, I know that we all have that one guy who is THAT GUY.  We put up with things from him that we'd never thought we would or that we'd slay someone else for.  Because he is the man you love, you put up with bulls***...and frankly, it's not fair.  You love him though, so you give chance after chance, hoping that he finally gets it.  Before you know it, weeks turn into months, and months turn into years.  He's the only one you want to be with so you close yourself off to other men.  You negatively dissect yourself to less than nothing because there just HAS to be something wrong with you, otherwise he'd be with you.  You do whatever he likes and chooses him before yourself and in your mind, that's further proving how much you love him and what a catch you are, but he still hasn't caught you.  Hell, he hasn't picked you up enough to be able to drop you.  Inevitably, you have forgotten to put yourself in FIRST place. 

My advice to you is to keep yourself open.  It's not fair to close yourself off to possible suitors.  No your feelings for that man don't go away, but you two aren't together and trust and believe that he isn't acting like you two are together either, so you need to do the same.  I understand your natural desire to act 'committed' and only see him, but do your best to remain open.  The last few weeks, I've thought of my past relationships and someone special and although I love that man, I'm not committed to him or anyone else and gave myself the same advice....and did just that.

Regardless of your feelings for someone, if nothing has changed, (i.e. the status of the two of you together), then you have to change.  It doesn't diminish your feelings for him or is in any way reflective of how you feel,  but it shows that you acknowledge the reality and are now choosing YOU instead of him.  If you're meant to be with him, God will mend that relationship in due time, and in your season of love, but until then, DO YOU.  The last few weeks, allowing myself to be courted has reminded me of my great qualities that I've forgotten.  It reminded me of how much I was wanted.  There was no beating around the bush or me "guestimating" how they felt, because they told me.  At the beginning, men will tell you in order to ensure that they get you, but oftentimes, it dissipates and you rarely hear it.  It was weird because this amazing and phenomenol woman that was being described was ME!  It revitalized me and my thoughts of who I am... and it felt damn good!

There's a great article on making yourself a "First Place Girl" (Click here to read this FAB article!)and this is what I read this morning that prompted me to write this entry.  You may not be coming in last, but if the man you love isn't putting you first, for whatever reason, you may as well be last because almost doesn't count.  One of my favorite quotes is "Love is just the beginning and love is not enough."  If you take the time to really understand this quote, you'll know exactly what it means.  Think of highly of yourself and act accordingly.  Eventually, you'll get that first place ribbon for the prize that you are.

Catch me if you can..... <3

Until next time...keep the forward movement...

In Love, Only YOU Have to Understand

I'm sure many of you know that this weekend Carmelo Anthony and his former fiancee Lala, got married.  All the blogs and websites kept congratulating them and saying things like "the eternal fiancee has finally snagged herself a husband" and other things along those lines.  At first, I laughed, but when I really thought about it, it stopped being funny, at least in that way.  For those of you who don't know, Lala and Carmelo have been engaged for 5 years, live together, and have a son together.  For years, people have been calling Lala stupid for being with him when it was so obvious (to them) that he was never actually planning on marrying her.  They even nicknamed her "the eternal fiancee".  It boggles my mind how so many people can make such deep judgements about someone they don't know.  I know that the media has it so that they're in your face every five seconds, so you may feel like you know them, but you don't.  Never once, did anyone give her the benefit of the doubt or even give him the benefit of the doubt as to why the conclusion of their union was taking so long.  Come to think of it, what's too long?  Who defines that?  The right time for someone to get married varries within each relationship and that time frame is for no one but the two involved to decide.

About six months ago, there were a few articles that Lala and Carmelo did that went in depth, for the first time, about their relationship.  He surprised everyone by saying that he's been ready to get married, but it's Lala who wanted to hold off because she wanted to be in the right place for herself before she became his wife.  Wow!  Who would've thought?  Usually, it's men who drag their feet when it comes to marriage, but she wanted to take her time and for a very good reason, I might add.  Often, men do this.  They make sure they're in the right position in life before they make such a committment.  I guess us women are always ready to some degree and usually before our counterparts.  Lala was smart enough to know and be secure enough in the love and life that the two of them created together, that she needed no one else's approval on her time frame, but her fiancee and God.  This really got me thinking.

There are so many relationships that don't make it because they let the words and opinions of others dictate their actions.  When dealing with love, trust your instincts, your heart, and your mind. NOONE, friends & family included, needs to understand the dynamics of your union except for you, your man/woman, and God. Pray about it & DO YOU.  You and your spouse will definetly have the last laugh.  You'll laugh all the way to alter and laugh through your wonderful life together because you trusted your partner, yourself, and most importantly God.

Congrats Lala & Carmelo!

Open Letter to the Ladies: When a Man Isn't Ready...

Ladies: When a man isn't ready....there's absolutely nothing you can do about it.  Think about it....I'll let you take it in.  While you're doing that, fight your natural urge to think of all the things that force you to believe otherwise.  Believe me,  I understand your need to legitimize all the objections that you have in your mind to that statement, but doing that will only make things more hurtful when you do realize.  It'll bring you to a place where you're a couple who ends up always looking like this:

Within the last two weeks, two of my friends have had the very same thing happen in their relationships.  It's crazy how they mirrored each other living completely different lives and having completely different relationships.  They have been with their boyfriends for a long time and are at that pivotal moment in the relationship where you start to wonder "where is this going?"  Unfortunately for them, both of their men aren't where they need to be.  They're in that place where a lot of us find ourselves at one point or another: what is my purpose in life and how am I going to fulfill it?  The thing is, for men, this holds so much more weight.  Ultimately, he will have to oneday, be the head of a household.  Even if he chooses to never marry and/or have children, society doesn't respect a man who can't provide for at least, himself.  Even though we know this, our love and emotion for him never can fully understand or respect it.  We just don't get it.

Think about it.  Ladies, you know how we are.  We bend over backwards and do everything he asks.  We even do the things he doesn't ask for.  You practically play "future wife" hoping that he sees the humongous and quite heavy, invisible sign you're wearing that says "I'd be the perfect wife for you," lol.  Honestly, even though you care about or love that man, if you knew without a doubt that there was no future for the two of you, you'd go invest your time elsewhere.  After doing all of this....he still DOESN'T know!..*insert crazy and surprised face here*.  It can be as simple as him not knowing if he wants to be exclusive with you, to him not knowing if he wants to marry you. Now the frustration begins to mount and from that moment on, it never goes away.  Every single thing he says is mentally scrutinized because your insecurity levels rise.  You start thinking what else you can possibly do to make him see how great you are, how much you love him, and how many qualities you have that would make you a great future mate.  Tick, tock, tick, tock...yea, that's the time going by along with the decrease of your patience. You start to criticize and belittle yourself.  Many times, most women will think that something is wrong with them.  Maybe he doesn't like_____, or maybe I'm too______, or if I would've done_______, he'd want to commit/marry me. It just makes so much sense because what else could be holding him back? Well, in time, experience, and my vast number of conversations with many people, I've learned something that though hard to swallow, is the truth: it's not about you.  


Think about all the adult responsibilities you have now.  You take care of them daily and don't even stop and think about it.  Why?...because you were prepared for it.  You had your youth where you learned little by little to balance things and to deal with situations and responsibility accordingly. Therefore, by the time you reached your adulthood, you could handle your responsibilities fluidly. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if you had to deal with all those things when you were a child?  Even moreso, think about if you had to handle the tasks and responsibilities of someone twice your age with twice the experience and twice the financial stability.  You would inevitably fail.  Why?...because you're simply not ready...and that ladies, is men.


It's not that they don't want you or that you're not good enough. It's that they're not ready and the smart ones know that if they do something that they aren't prepared for, they will undoubtedly FAIL.  I'm not talking about the men who play around because they are everywhere, but this is about the men who are getting themselves together for the future and who eventually want a mate.  Most of the time, we don't see that because we're so in love, but the euphoria that comes from being in love shuts it's eyes to reality.  Therefore, he'll go from the man who gave you everything, to the one who can't support you and/or your family.  He'll go from the man who was always so calm to the frustrated angry man who refuses to talk to you anymore.  Your frustration will lead you away from your sweet and supportive self to a nagging, unsupportive, and unhappy person.  Now if you had just waited until he was ready or until the time was right, it would be a completely different situation. Not only does the man have to be ready, but most importantly, God has to give you His green light.  Everything great happens in His perfect timing.  


Everyone has their own situation, relationship, and timing.  I ran across an article today on Essence.com about a lady who dated her husband for 17 years before they got married.  You can view that interesting article here.  Now let me go ahead and say, I am in NO WAY saying to wait forever for a man at all! In her case, 17 years for most people is ludicrous and personally, I don't think anyone deserves that much time.  No one man or woman is guaranteed forever, so you must follow your heart and trust your instincts.  What I found interesting about her story was that she finished by saying that it was worth the wait and things were so much better because he was READY.  Initially, he was in a bad place, unstable, and hadn't found himself.  By the time they got married, he was where he needed to be to be a great husband and a better father.  As much as I roll my eyes at her timeline, I can't help but understand the lesson learned.  Had she married that lost, confused, unstable, and angry man, that relationship wouldn't have had a chance at longevity, but because she waited, they're happily married.


Another part that I noticed in her story and in stories I've either heard or experienced is that her man never told her what he was thinking, so she was completely unaware that he really wanted to marry her, but needed to find himself first.  He just bottled it up.  Fellas, I know you aren't the greatest communicators, especially in comparison to us, but not saying anything is NO GOOD!  We don't know what you're thinking and if you keep us in the dark long enough, we'll end up latching on to some other man who is all too happy to shed some light.  In a nutshell, men need to find ways to communicate what they're thinking and feeling to the woman they love.  It doesn't have to be in the form of a two-hour conversation, but nothing, is eventually going to push us so far away from you that we're no longer within your reach.


Before I go, I just want to say, especially to the ladies that are reading this, listen to your mind, trust your heart, and follow your instincts because they will never lead you wrong.  We have a tough time giving men the benefit of the doubt because there are so many that do such negative things, but for every one man that's playing around, there's one that's a good man getting himself together in preparation for the beginning of his lineage and ultimately his legacy.


Whenever my Mr. Right is ready and asks me.....I'M READY... ;)



Until next time...keep the forward movement...

Call Me Sometimes....

In today's world, there's text messaging, skype, email, bbm'ing, google chat, instant messaging, and all the social networks you could handle.  There is a ridiculous amount of ways to keep in touch (sometimes stalk, lol) someone nowadays.  Technology has made is so that you can never speak to someone and miss not one beat.  It's pretty convenient when you think of it.  No longer does your long distance love have to cool down until the next time you see each other; with the click of a mouse, you can view and 'enjoy' your honey (as best as possible anyway) via skype video...or so I've heard, lol.  With all these ways to connect and maintain communication, the simple phone call seems like a thing of the past and is beginning to be a faint memory.  The many forms of "talking" have taken the place of actually picking up the phone and calling someone.  Although these things are more convenient, they can't take the place of and will never be as personal as a phone call. 

Men usually make excuses when it comes to this. I'm just going to go ahead and put it out there from this perspective because 1. I'm a woman and 2. this is how I feel.  Oftentimes, you'll find that men don't really care whether you call or not or what form of communication you use to reach them.  You can understand the importance of a phone call if you listen to the apparant grunts and groans of many women when it comes to their man not doing it.  He thinks, regardless of the mode of delivery, the message still got there....very logical.  A woman, on the other hand, thinks the opposite...it's not exactly the message, but the method of delivery....completely emotional.  Neither side is right or wrong.  It is what it is because men and women will always be the way they are and if you try to fight that, you'll end up very frustrated.

Speaking from the woman's perspective, nowadays we understand the convenience of texting and all the other ways.  Hell, we do it too, so obviously we like it, but every now and then, CALL.  In my mind, if you really care about a person, hearing their voice sometimes, shouldn't be torture for you.  This doesn't have to occur all day, everyday but at least make the effort.  Sometimes it's the simple things.  Technology makes it convenient for you to send an e-card, but how about you ask for her address and send her one that she can cherish and keep, versus the one that expires in 30 days.  Yes, it's quicker to send her a text telling her that you miss her and are thinking of her (believe me we save every one :) lol), but, it in no way, compares to hearing your voice saying the very same thing.  It's PERSONAL.  It's less convenient which means you took the time out and women desire that.  We desire the EFFORT from you because you don't and won't do it for everyone and that makes it even more special. 

Before I go, I must say something to my FELLAS: No, you may not want to call, but compromise.  When you care about someone, you do things to make them happy.  No, you don't need to change who you are, but making the effort and calling every now and then isn't going to kill you.  It's going to show her that you care enough to do the little things that makes her happy....and I'll add that it doesn't matter whether you're in a relationship or not.  I know a lot of men who love to use that excuse when they don't want to do something, but caring about and being connected to someone gives the middle finger to titles.  You obviously care enough, otherwise you wouldn't deal with anything.  Now for my LADIES: Don't expect him to all of a sudden start doing what you want him to as many times as you want him to.  The key word for us is compromise as well.  I'll admit, (and you should too), that sometimes we as women tend to expect from a man not what he's shown, but what we've created in our minds....and unfortunately it only makes things worse.  They get upset because we're upset and technically they've done nothing.  I used to be so upset that whoever I was dating wasn't calling as much as I'd like him and I'd take it personal.  Now, I don't necessarily need calls all day, everyday, but I do like calls sometimes coupled with all the other modes of communication.  Appreciate all the little things and don't dismiss his effort.

At the end of the day, men and women will overall continue to function and think in the exact manner that they do.  This doesn't mean that you can't evolve or make exceptions.  Don't fight it.  If you care enough, you'll either get on board or jump ship and make room for someone else!

Until next time...keep the forward movement...

Romance Lives On...

Some say romance is dead, but I disagree.  I think it's very much alive and well, it just depends on how important it is to you.  A few weeks back, I sat and listened to some of the older people in my family talk about their childhood.  One of the things they mentioned was courting.  One of the men in the room discussed writing a letter and leaving it on the porch of the young lady he liked.  His face lit up at the memory.  A woman in the room brought up a tape of love songs she received and how special that made her feel.  Another one of the men, mentioned carrying his girlfriend's groceries to her home every time she went.  There was such an overwhelming sense of love in that room.  I wanted to take it and wrap myself up in it like a warm blanket.  As I left that function with my family, it made me wonder how important romance is.

From the conversations I've had, my generation believes in it as well.  When conversing with my friends, oftentimes, it's the small, thoughtful, and romantic things that we women crave.  When we talk about the sweetest things we've ever experienced, it usually falls along the lines of a sweet gesture that is so impactful it lingers on the mind, for days, months, years, and sometimes, forever.  Some people, especially women, find it so simple to be romantic and do those type of things, but from what I've observed, a lot of men don't know what to do.  The same thing goes for women as well.  I'm going to share 3 of my thoughts/ideas for both sides.  Fellas: this is what I want.  I can honestly say that a lot of women would probably appreciate the same, but don't assume because everyone is different.  Ladies: this is what I would do or have already done, but just like I said to the guys, everyone is different, so taylor my suggestions to the person you're with. 

Fellas: 

• Flowers never hurt.  Every now and then, you'll find a woman that doesn't like them, but for the most part, women will love this.  I know I do. 
• Personally, I appreciate a nice card.  Of course, you have to write something thoughtful in it....don't just leave it to Hallmark, lol.  This is especially effective if you're not physically close to them.  A card can't take the place of you being there, but it's a wonderful thing to receive something as simple as a card to remind you that you're missed and in someone's thoughts.
•  Maybe it's the result of having read too many romance novels, but setting the scene screams romance.  I've always craved a man who would fill a room full of candles, flowers, soft music, and other 'stuff' lol.  To have someone go through that preparation to make sure that you are amazed, means a lot.  It's the little things...and you when you combine a whole bunch of little things, it adds up to something major.  It'll also be something that she will never forget.

Ladies:

• Guys like nice things too.  Sometimes, we forget that and assume because they're men, that we can't gush all over them.  We can....just in our own way.  For example, you can make dinner, light some candles, and change into something that he'll appreciate, lol.  It's simple, but sweet.
• Guys are usually responsible for paying and planning, but we can do it too.  You wouldn't imagine how happy they'd be if you told them that you were taking them out to dinner.  It allows them to relax and be taken out and treated for once and they appreciate it.  If you want to take on the task of planning something, then go ahead!  They'll love that too.
• Romance comes in all forms and helping them with one of their many tasks can be quite sexy too.  Oftentimes, women try to get out of the way of what their guy is doing, but I know for a fact, that he'll appreciate you helping him and being a part of his team.  To up the romance factor, treat him to a relaxing massage after the two of you are done.

Everyone deserves to be treated well, and it should be easy to do when you really care about someone.  With all that happens in life, it's comforting to know that there's someone who'll take the little things into account to make you feel special.  From generation to generation, whether it's done by a collection of love songs on a tape, a romantic dinner, or an international excursion, it will never, ever, go out of style. 

Until next time...keep the forward movement...

Friends First?

I don't know what it is, but lately I've been thinking, reading, and talking a lot about relationships and no matter what, I keep running into one aspect of it: friendship.  I started really thinking of the importance of friendship in a relationship or more importantly, before a relationship.  Often times, you meet someone and if you're attracted to them, in any form, you go on a date.  Thus begins the courtship that possibly leads to seriously dating, a committed relationship, and maybe even marriage.  In the midst of the whirlwind, you're oblivious to the fact that a true friendship wasn't established before everything else.  Now it's true, that if you've dated someone long enough or are married to them, a certain friendship does build because of your experiences together, but I don't think it's the same as one before everything happens.  The more and more I think about it, I'm starting to believe that one should establish a platonic friendship before going any further.  Now this may be a little difficult because when you care deeply for someone, you want to skip that part, but I think in the end it will be benefical.  

Friends and lovers are almost exactly the same to me with the exception of one thing: the physical and romantic end of it.  Think about it: you share experiences, pains, joys, successes, secrets, and so on with your friends.  With a lover, you share experiences, pains, joys, successes, secrets, and so on.  The main and obvious difference is that you don't share your body and romantic side with a friend like you do your lover.  If you miss this critical step of getting to know each other on a platonic level, then you may have nothing to go on if the sex were to stop...and sometimes it does or at least slows down. 

As important as sex is to a relationship, and it is (you know it's true, lol), at the end of the day, it's not as important as having a spiritual and emotional connection.  It's not as important as acutally enjoying the time spent with a certain someone.  As hot and heavy as it is in the beginning, you'd never think that it could slow down, but it does, even though you still really care about, love, or are attracted to that person.  Here is where the friendship come into play.  Can you still have fun without the sex?  Do you still want to spend time with them?  Are any of your favorite activities or things you like about the person unrelated to sex?  Do you enjoy conversing with them?  Those are the things that really matter and if you can answer yes to all those questions, then the sex is the very nice and tasty icing on the cake ;). 

If you have a good basis enveloped into the person you care about, then you'll enjoy a lot of things with them and will be able to things that don't surround sex.  As I think back to the people I've dated, I can see the pros and cons from both sides. I was friends with an ex before and a few people I dated I wasn't friends with before.  Being friends doesn't necessarily ensure a lasting relationship (obviously, he's an ex, lol), but I still think it's important and will definitely be making sure that I establish one prior to moving forward with anyone in the future.  Even if I end up dating someone I have already dated (don't act like I'm the only one who can't get over him, lol), I think having a friendship and really re-learning someone will be beneficial no matter what.  I've also experienced getting a really good connection with someone I wasn't friends first with.  When I think of him, the first things that come to mind are our movies nights, the way he was so goofy around me and made me laugh a lot, and his extreme intelligence because he always had something to teach me.  This is a testament that just because you aren't friends first doesn't mean that you can't become friends.

As I think back, weigh the pros and cons, and look back on past experiences, I think I'll choose to be friends first, at least for a little while.  Not only is it important for the reasons I've already mentioned, but if the two of you don't work out, depending on the amount of damage, after some time, you may be able to transition back into a friendship...that's if the two of you already had one.  It's so sad when someone you cared about or loved so much, can't be a part of your life anymore because you don't know how to be anything other than what you were...*sigh*.

Anyway, enough of my thoughts...what are yours?  Do you think it should be friends first or it doesn't matter? 



Until next time...Keep the forward movement...

My Thoughts: Our Family Wedding

Our Family Wedding stars America Ferrera, Lance Gross, Carlos Mencia, Regina King, and Forest Whitaker among some other familiar faces.  The movie is basically about a young couple where the man is black and the woman is mexican and they get engaged prior to telling their family or even having met each other's family.  The movie explores the racism that is still very much apparent in today's society amongst interracial couples, but of course they do it with a comedic twist.  The families, mainly the two fathers of the couple, don't get along and instigate each other with stereotypical jabs.  Throughout the film, the families imposed their ideal wedding ideas on the soon-to-be newly weds citing culture and tradition as big reasons to why everything had to be their way despite the couples' lack of enthusiasm.  Some elements that were incorporated in the movie that assist in depth was racism, the idea of friends becoming lovers, losing yourself in a marriage, and truly supporting your spouse no matter what.  Of course, the movie ended with everyone working through their issues and the couple happily married.

As I watched, I chuckled every now and then, but  began to obeserve the people sitting around me and started to get uncomfortable.  For whatever reason, I started wondering how many people actually agreed with these stereotypes and felt the same way.  I grew up in such a multi-cultural atmosphere that to see an interracial couple was nothing awkward at all.  I have different races in my family and within my friendships and although I know everyone isn't as comfortable with that for one reason or another, it was a little disheartening to see that some couples have to fight so hard just to love.  They not only have to fight with the people who don't know them, but sometimes they have to fight the hardest with some of the most judgemental people...family.  Though it was a film, it was reflective of real life.

One of the scenes was the young man sitting with a group of men telling him how the woman and things will change after they get married.  Of course they only highlight the negative stating that he won't be able to do anything after he gets married.  Supposedly she won't trust him and call him all the time to make sure she knows where she is.  Though funny at the moment, the after taste was irritating.  This isn't the first time I've heard someone state how women change after marriage to deter a man from getting married until he has absolutely nothing better left to do.  I think it's so unfair.  Men AND women change.  People change together and please believe that while a wife is changing, so is her husband.  It just seems so negative and sheds an unappetizing view on marriage and for those of us who do eventually want to get married (ME), it doesn't make marriage look worthwhile.

Another theme in the movie was pleasing everyone in your family and foregoing the plans that you want for yourself and giving in to your family's desires in order to please everyone.  In the movie, the couple wants to keep it simple, but they have to adopt the saying "our marriage, their wedding."  I hope that this isn't the case in real life.  I understand that family members have requests but to have to give up on everything you truly want seems unfair.  I planned my sister's wedding and although both sides of the family had requests, they respected the choices of my sister and her fiance.

The final theme that I'm going to share with you and what I deem to be one of the more important ones is the theme of who you become in a marriage and the possibility of losing yourself.  That was one of the issues between the parents of the bride in the film.  The mother felt as if she wasn't important to her husband anymore and the daughters felt as if their mother gave up her life and wasn't happy.  I'm not married, so I can't speak on what truly happens, but I know what I think and this I will share.  I know that 2 become 1 and a couple has to be one accord, but realistically, there are still 2 individuals.  People make it seem that a lot of times, one spouse, usually the woman, gives up on her desires and becomes what her kids and husband need, while pretty much giving up on herself and her dreams.  From the outside looking in, marriage is supposed to be a compromise.  I personally hope and pray that I marry someone who could support and be as excited for my endeavors as I am for theirs.  As a woman I know it's natural for us to push ourselves aside and devote ourselves to the cause no matter what it may be, but after awhile, you recognize the loss of yourself.  If you don't have someone who understands that, you can grow to resent them.  This is for men equally if you find yourself in that role.  All in all, a good marriage, the way I see it, is comprised of two individuals  walking in the same direction.  They may see different things along the way, but it doesn't change that they want to go to the same place...together.

I recommend seeing this movie.  Despite all my thoughts on it, it was still worth seeing.  It definitely opened my mind and I'm sure it will foster an open dialogue for  your engagements with family, friends, and lovers. 

Until next time...keep the forward movement...

Valentine Wrap-Up

Another Valentine's Day has come and gone.  This one imparticular wasn't that spectacular for me and I let it affect me.  I was upset during the day, but even more upset the day after.  I asked myself in my mind why I, and tons of other people, let it affect them as well.  Literally, you're fine the day before and the day after, but there's something about that day that gets you every time.


Valentine's Day is consumed with all things love and relationship-like and despite what people nowadays try to make it, one thing it is not is a holiday for singles.  It's so funny how single people go out of their way to express their utter joy for not being tied down or not having to be bothered with anyone, but it's a farce.  I personally don't think most people are meant to be alone.  As great as you are by yourself, a special person can come into your life and really make you better.  They can introduce you to different things and force you to really delve into yourself.  You feel free with them and open up in a way that you keep from others.  I look forward to that union with someone.


I was talking to a friend recently and she and I were discussing the "single girl life."  We both confessed to each other that we were kinda tired of living that life, but her next story reminded me of the saying that "you always want what you can't have."  She told me about her friend who was around our age and who recently got married.  She said that her friend told her that she was so happy in her marriage and was so in love with her husband.  She had no doubt in her mind that he was "the one", but she couldn't help but thinking sometimes that she envied our single girl status.  Whoa!  Here we are stewing about how we wish we weren't single and someone who had what we wanted, sometimes felt the opposite.  Now don't get me wrong, it's not that she doesn't want to be married, but she said that she sometimes wishes "forever didn't start so soon."  That really presented another persepective to me.  Because if marriage is forever and those responsibilities are 'til death do you part', (some of us still believe anyway), maybe we should enjoy this time.

It's so much easier said than done.  The longing for companionship never really goes away for most people and though women are notorious for it, I believe men feel the same way.  Even if you're not in a committed relationship, there's usually someone you're spending your time with.  This just illustrates how human beings need the connection to another person especially a romantic connection and this. will. never. change. 

I decided to wait a few days after Valentine's Day to write my wrap-up so that I can actually feel and stand by the things I'm writing, because a few days ago, I DID NOT feel this way at all, lol.  I'm always good at taking time to think and regroup in every situation or funk and move forward which is what I'm doing.  I can't let one day ruin my positivity or make me question everything I know and believe. 

Despite it all and still believing in love and "the one", I leave you with this video.  Enjoy....




Until Next time....keep the forward movement....

Give up the standards?...I think not....

I had a really interesting conversation with a male friend of mine a few nights ago.  I must say, it was pretty disheartening and by the end of it, I was angered.  After giving it much thought, I decided not to allow the beliefs of anyone to infiltrate my mind and question my own.  It began with us updating each other on the past few months of our lives.  Some way or another we came to the topic of men, women, and sex.  To make a long story short, one question sparked the debate.  I asked him if he respected women who he became intimate with very quickly.  He responded by saying that when he was younger he used to think negatively of them, but as he got older he didn't feel that all of them were 'easy' and that even if he did, they could very well say the same thing about him.  I reminded him that there is a negative stigma that is only associated with women in the terms of having a lot of sexual partners or having sex with someone quickly.  Right or wrong, men are not judged in the same light.  He understood and agreed, but disclosed to me that if a woman doesn't sleep with him within 3 times of them spending time together, he doesn't really want to be bothered with her.


I started laughing really hard because I knew it was a joke and he is a hilarious person, but for the first time, he wasn't joking, and when I realized that, I wasn't laughing.  I asked him again to be sure and he said the same thing.  I even gave him an example with a short time line and sure enough by the time the third date came around, in his mind, sex needed to be there.  His explaination was that if the physical chemistry that he desired wasn't there, he wanted nothing to do with her and he needed to find out very early.  Wow!  I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  We'd been friends for so long and I'd never dealt with him in anything other than a platonic relationship, so I had no idea he actually thought in such an offensive way.  I quickly told him that he should be glad he never saw me that way because that would have never worked with me.


I began to tell him how asinine and offensive his thinking was.  I told him that I understood that most men don't and won't wait forever, but a woman who doesn't become intimate with you by the third date is definitely not a bad thing.  I for one, have a lot of standards not only for someone, but especially for myself and I take being intimate with someone very seriously.  It's not something I take lightly or do easily.  He responded by saying that most men will not wait or want to deal with that and a lot of woman will be single because they choose to be selective.  I even reaffirmed that a lot of women don't make men wait as part of a game, but to make sure that they're ready and that they want to share themselves with this particular person.  He wasn't buying it though.  He stuck with what I believed to be his ignorant and  sexist thought.  He told me I was being sensitive and that I needed to get over it, and even started pointing out reasons why I felt the way I did as if something was wrong with me!  I. was. seething!  I told him that nothing has to be wrong with me or any other woman who sets standards for herself or others and nothing is wrong with the men who can wait and appreciate a woman like that.  Before, I really lost it, I ended the conversation.


As I sat there, aghast, replaying the conversation in my mind, I decided to let my anger go.  It was so unimportant.  The thoughts and opinions of the foolish will not cause me to question or change mine.  I know plenty of men who appreciate the woman that I am and the respect that I have and that type of man, is the only one that matters.  The man I marry will truly be the only that matters and the one that will appreciate the manner in which I carry myself.  Tonight as I write this, I'm empowered by my own strength and am happy with the decisions that I make and the standards that I have set for myself.  I won't be embarrassed and won't question my actions because I've allowed someone to dictate them to appear a certain way.  I can be and am an example for myself, other women my age and older, younger girls, my future children and future generations and that's awesome!


For the men out there, if you agree with my friend, you will only find those type of women and good luck with that, because I'm sure that won't be great in the end.  To the the men out there who can respect and appreciate a woman with standards....thank you for reminding us that you're not all the same.  Most importantly, to my ladies, always stay strong in your convictions and don't allow what others think or believe to direct what you think, what you believe, or who you are.  


I'll leave with a beautiful song by Alicia Keys called "A Woman's Worth."  The title explains it all.  Ladies, don't forget yours....

Until next time....Keep the forward movement....