Open Letter to the Ladies: When a Man Isn't Ready...

Ladies: When a man isn't ready....there's absolutely nothing you can do about it.  Think about it....I'll let you take it in.  While you're doing that, fight your natural urge to think of all the things that force you to believe otherwise.  Believe me,  I understand your need to legitimize all the objections that you have in your mind to that statement, but doing that will only make things more hurtful when you do realize.  It'll bring you to a place where you're a couple who ends up always looking like this:

Within the last two weeks, two of my friends have had the very same thing happen in their relationships.  It's crazy how they mirrored each other living completely different lives and having completely different relationships.  They have been with their boyfriends for a long time and are at that pivotal moment in the relationship where you start to wonder "where is this going?"  Unfortunately for them, both of their men aren't where they need to be.  They're in that place where a lot of us find ourselves at one point or another: what is my purpose in life and how am I going to fulfill it?  The thing is, for men, this holds so much more weight.  Ultimately, he will have to oneday, be the head of a household.  Even if he chooses to never marry and/or have children, society doesn't respect a man who can't provide for at least, himself.  Even though we know this, our love and emotion for him never can fully understand or respect it.  We just don't get it.

Think about it.  Ladies, you know how we are.  We bend over backwards and do everything he asks.  We even do the things he doesn't ask for.  You practically play "future wife" hoping that he sees the humongous and quite heavy, invisible sign you're wearing that says "I'd be the perfect wife for you," lol.  Honestly, even though you care about or love that man, if you knew without a doubt that there was no future for the two of you, you'd go invest your time elsewhere.  After doing all of this....he still DOESN'T know!..*insert crazy and surprised face here*.  It can be as simple as him not knowing if he wants to be exclusive with you, to him not knowing if he wants to marry you. Now the frustration begins to mount and from that moment on, it never goes away.  Every single thing he says is mentally scrutinized because your insecurity levels rise.  You start thinking what else you can possibly do to make him see how great you are, how much you love him, and how many qualities you have that would make you a great future mate.  Tick, tock, tick, tock...yea, that's the time going by along with the decrease of your patience. You start to criticize and belittle yourself.  Many times, most women will think that something is wrong with them.  Maybe he doesn't like_____, or maybe I'm too______, or if I would've done_______, he'd want to commit/marry me. It just makes so much sense because what else could be holding him back? Well, in time, experience, and my vast number of conversations with many people, I've learned something that though hard to swallow, is the truth: it's not about you.  


Think about all the adult responsibilities you have now.  You take care of them daily and don't even stop and think about it.  Why?...because you were prepared for it.  You had your youth where you learned little by little to balance things and to deal with situations and responsibility accordingly. Therefore, by the time you reached your adulthood, you could handle your responsibilities fluidly. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if you had to deal with all those things when you were a child?  Even moreso, think about if you had to handle the tasks and responsibilities of someone twice your age with twice the experience and twice the financial stability.  You would inevitably fail.  Why?...because you're simply not ready...and that ladies, is men.


It's not that they don't want you or that you're not good enough. It's that they're not ready and the smart ones know that if they do something that they aren't prepared for, they will undoubtedly FAIL.  I'm not talking about the men who play around because they are everywhere, but this is about the men who are getting themselves together for the future and who eventually want a mate.  Most of the time, we don't see that because we're so in love, but the euphoria that comes from being in love shuts it's eyes to reality.  Therefore, he'll go from the man who gave you everything, to the one who can't support you and/or your family.  He'll go from the man who was always so calm to the frustrated angry man who refuses to talk to you anymore.  Your frustration will lead you away from your sweet and supportive self to a nagging, unsupportive, and unhappy person.  Now if you had just waited until he was ready or until the time was right, it would be a completely different situation. Not only does the man have to be ready, but most importantly, God has to give you His green light.  Everything great happens in His perfect timing.  


Everyone has their own situation, relationship, and timing.  I ran across an article today on Essence.com about a lady who dated her husband for 17 years before they got married.  You can view that interesting article here.  Now let me go ahead and say, I am in NO WAY saying to wait forever for a man at all! In her case, 17 years for most people is ludicrous and personally, I don't think anyone deserves that much time.  No one man or woman is guaranteed forever, so you must follow your heart and trust your instincts.  What I found interesting about her story was that she finished by saying that it was worth the wait and things were so much better because he was READY.  Initially, he was in a bad place, unstable, and hadn't found himself.  By the time they got married, he was where he needed to be to be a great husband and a better father.  As much as I roll my eyes at her timeline, I can't help but understand the lesson learned.  Had she married that lost, confused, unstable, and angry man, that relationship wouldn't have had a chance at longevity, but because she waited, they're happily married.


Another part that I noticed in her story and in stories I've either heard or experienced is that her man never told her what he was thinking, so she was completely unaware that he really wanted to marry her, but needed to find himself first.  He just bottled it up.  Fellas, I know you aren't the greatest communicators, especially in comparison to us, but not saying anything is NO GOOD!  We don't know what you're thinking and if you keep us in the dark long enough, we'll end up latching on to some other man who is all too happy to shed some light.  In a nutshell, men need to find ways to communicate what they're thinking and feeling to the woman they love.  It doesn't have to be in the form of a two-hour conversation, but nothing, is eventually going to push us so far away from you that we're no longer within your reach.


Before I go, I just want to say, especially to the ladies that are reading this, listen to your mind, trust your heart, and follow your instincts because they will never lead you wrong.  We have a tough time giving men the benefit of the doubt because there are so many that do such negative things, but for every one man that's playing around, there's one that's a good man getting himself together in preparation for the beginning of his lineage and ultimately his legacy.


Whenever my Mr. Right is ready and asks me.....I'M READY... ;)



Until next time...keep the forward movement...