Cast Your Cares....

This has been a hell of a week!  Following an eventful reunion weekend with friends filled with non-stop fun and laughter, reality anxiously awaited me as I came back home Sunday night.  News of a death met me at the arrival part of the airport.  As soon as I heard the news I was in shock.  Aside from the shock that came from the person dying, I was shocked because she crossed my mind only a week ago.  I hadn't seen her in over 15 years and for whatever reason, I felt compelled to ask for her the week prior.  I was told she wasn't doing well, but it didn't seem that she could be near death, so my mind never strayed there.  For the rest of the evening, that's all I thought about.  I let it into my spirit, but not in the way where I simply felt bad and gave a quick condolensce; it halted my movement and dulled the light that I was beaming around in the person that I've become.  At first, I thought, "I need to shake it off."  A short while after, I thought, "it's okay to feel this way or not do much for the evening because I care."  I felt that if I could just go on without pause, then I didn't truly care at all.  I ended my evening by saying a prayer and going to bed.

I woke up Monday morning with a renewed energy to have this be a great week.  Well, I'm sad to say that it wasn't.  There has been so much negativity and frustration at work that literally at times, I stepped outside of myself, and watched myself scream.  What was more frustrating was the fact that I knew I was so better than what I was displaying.  I allowed the negativity of people to cause me to be angry.  I allowed them to change my attitude.  One moment, I'd tell myself to ignore it and the next moment, I'd be back in that bad space.  I cared too much.  I even explained to someone how the fact that I cared was causing me to give emotionally more than the situation and people were worth.  Not only did I do that, but most importantly, I ultimately gave them control over my emotions and therefore me.....NOT...GOOD!  In the midst of this, I began to get upset at myself because I had come so far from the person I used to be.  I have for a while now, been in charge of me, and I was not going to give that up.  Each day, the plot thickened with some new drama and I behaved in a roller coaster fashion.  Now you know, as well as I do, that when one thing really bothers you, it doesn't take much for ANYthing and EVERYthing to follow suit...and it did.

The straw that broke the camel's back and brought me to the good place that I am now is a stressful situation within the family.  I'm the oldest child and have always had a very protective nature for family, friends, and anyone that I truly care for.  With that being said, I am usually the 'go-to' person whenever anyone had an issue and I usually take on whatever is going on and feel the emotional strain that comes right along with it.  I literally take a person's load and walk away with it.  It's true that they still carry their load because it's their problem, but I now carry it too.  It's the way I care.  I am consumed in my quest to help fix your problem or at least ease the pain of your problem.  Needless to say, I completely enveloped myself into my family member's issue that it even bothered me in my sleep.  That issue coupled with the other ones from this week had me on the brink.  I found myself in the a place where none of the situations that occurred were a reflection of my actions.  There was nothing I could do or change that could change or better the situation and that was hard.  I sat in silence going over the week in my mind and all that had come with it.  Like a flash of lightning, it hit me; Caring doesn't have to be consuming.  

All my life, for whatever reason, I've equated caring about something or someone with being consumed to the point that I now take on the negative emotions that are tied to it and/or them.  While I sat in silence, for the very first time in my whole life, I heard a voice tell me that it was okay to release the troubles, anger, frustration, and sadness, and STILL care.  You're taught from a young age how to act in every situation and you grow up with the responsibility to reflect in a certain 'acceptible' manner whatever you're feeling. I took that to the extreme.  The moment I let go and focused on the only thing I could control (me), I felt so much lighter.  I laughed easier and it wasn't masking anything.  All of a sudden, the very same plans I had for the evening, excited me and I looked forward to them with an energy that I hadn't had a few minutes before.  When I realized and truly accepted that, I felt even more of a help than I was before.  I wasn't carrying that burden anymore and therefore had more energy to do more.

I wanna end by saying that not sinking into the quicksand with someone doesn't mean that you don't want to help pull them out, but you won't accomplish much if you put yourself in the position to start sinking as well.  I say all this to say that you should be free.  Don't allow anything or anyone, no matter how important, to direct your attitude, thoughts and actions.  At the end of the day, no matter how much you care, it will do more harm than good.  

This morning, as I was going through my usual routine, this song popped up in my head and I wanted to share it.  The lyrics are perfect for such a time as this!  Enjoy!

Until next time...keep the forward movement....